A New Year Approaches – What Do You Want So Bad Nothing Will Stop YOU?

Another year is winding down. A time to reflect on accomplishments, joys and disappointments. January 1 is just another day, but we can make it a starting point for new goals and dreams. I am hearing from a lot of new clients that they are depressed because they seem to be at the same point now as they were at the beginning of last year. It is wonderful that they have made the first step in changing that pattern by taking action to get unstuck.

What is holding you back? Are you “busy” but not getting any results? Are you feeling exhausted, unmotivated, discouraged? Are you unclear about what you REALLY want? Why don’t you have what you say you want?

What is the difference between someone who dreams and someone who envisions and accomplishes that vision? ACTION. The action I am talking about is not just going through the motions. It is PRECISE DEFINED DETERMINED DRIVE (PDDD). There is a saying that says “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and thinking you will get a different result.”

The best example of PDDD, and one that inspires me, is of my son, Travis. When he was 14 he had a fascination with Japanese anime (cartoons). He loved the comic books and wanted to be able to read them, so he begged me to take him to the library to find books on Japanese. He started teaching himself to read Japanese by slowly comparing the symbols to the comic books. Since his progress was slower than he was willing to settle on, he begged me to find a tutor to teach him. Since I was newly divorced and going through financial problems, I made a deal with him. If he would continue to learn with tapes and books for the next six months, I would find a tutor in our area. I totally thought this was a phase and that within a few weeks he would give up. But Travis was determined to learn Japanese so he practiced with the tapes from the library every night after school. At the end of the six months, he reminded me of my promise to find a tutor. Where was I going to find a Japanese tutor in Southern New Jersey? I called Rowan University and asked if they knew of anyone. They gave me the name of a local woman. She was so impressed with how much Travis already had taught himself, that she agreed to teach him for a fee that I could afford. After a few weeks of lessons, she told me that she had never seen anyone so determined to learn and how quickly he was picking up the language. “You must take him to Friend’s School in Philadelphia on Saturday mornings for classes”, she said. So every Saturday morning, we would drive 40 minutes to the school so he could take the three hour class. I would wait in the car and read or do work while he was learning. His face would beam every time he ran out of class towards the car. We found a Japanese restaurant near the school and would go for lunch where he would tell me his dream that someday he would get to live in Japan. Again, I thought he was just dreaming.

Soon his teacher told him about a student exchange program where three students from New Jersey can earn a scholarship through Princeton University to live in Japan during their junior year of high school. He told me that this was his ticket to Japan! For the next several months, he wrote essays, delivered speeches and memorized facts to pass the entry tests. Did I want my 15 year old son to leave and live in Japan for a year? No way. But I wasn’t concerned because I didn’t think there was any chance of him actually winning the scholarship. It was keeping him busy and I tried to prepare him for the inevitable disappointment. However, he was one of the seven finalists.

As we drove to Princeton for his final interview that would determine his fate, I told him that he had a whole lifetime to achieve the goal of living in Japan. He calmly looked at me and said, “Mom, if they think that I’m not the right person to go, it will be okay. But I WILL get to Japan if I have to hitch-hike to California, build a row boat and row to Japan!” Now I could see that this was not just a whim or an idol dream. He had a drive that was unstoppable. Nothing was going to get in his way no matter how long it look, how much he had to do or what disappointments might come along. I told him that he should tell the judges what he just told me.

When the phone rang and the voice on the other end said, “Congratulations, your son has been accepted as an exchange student in Japan”, I thought I would drop the phone! My baby was going to fly half way around the world for a whole year at 15! Some of my friends said, “How can you let him go?”. I said, “How can I not?” His PRECISE DEFINED DETERMINED DRIVE turned his dream into a reality, and I was SO very proud of him.

So in 2013, what is it that you want so badly that nothing will stand in your way? Become clear, commit to whatever it takes to get it, prepare for the challenges that may come up, set a precise defined step by step path and soon you will be celebrating your accomplishment! Need help in getting that clear? Let me be your tutor by teaching you The 5 C Solution! Pick up that phone and take the first step to ACTION! 1-888-806-9678

Transitioning

As my sister-in-law’s breathing changed from deep gasps to slow shallow breaths, the nurse said, “She is transitioning.” That statement has stuck with me. To transition is to pass from one place or condition to another. How many times in life do we transition? All the time. From one day to the next we weave in and out of circumstances and emotions trying to figure out what to do next. Sometimes life seems to all fall into place. Other times, nothing seems to make sense. Our journeys through time are all unique but similar in that we are all just trying to accomplish being fulfilled, loved and happy.

As I watch her, her facial expressions barely change except for a momentary lifting of her eyebrows as if she just dreamt something amazing. Donna has lead such an interesting life. She wanted to be an actress so she ran off to California to pursue her dream. Her beauty and personality led her to some success in modeling, but as time passed she stayed involved with the entertainment field as an accountant on movie and TV sets. The stories of after parties with famous people were always entertaining. Her last job was the head accountant on 30 Rock with Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey. She worked long hours doing budgets and writing checks. She loved her job. It reflected her wit, intellect and free spirit. Her laugh was contagious. Her commitment to family was unquestioned. Even though her father never approved of her “flinting off” to be in the movies, she drove to NJ from NY every weekend while he was ill to help care for him. She stayed by her mother’s side when it was her time to transition. And although she never had children of her own, she loved her nieces and nephews without question. Watching her gather all the children at the annual family picnic to play games and then lead them as they marched around the lawn to the theme of Bugler’s Dream (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IizWc4cJwbw) is my favorite memory of Donna. I’m not sure who was smiling bigger, her or the kids.

So as she is transitioning now, I’m hoping and praying that she is dreaming of her magnificant life. Perhaps driving her convertible down the Pacific Coast Highway with music blaring and blonde hair blowing in the wind towards her Malibu home. Or hiding Easter Eggs filled with money for all the little kids in the family. Or telling tales of cast parties. (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0162644/) And I’m hoping and praying that she is transitioning to a place of rock and roll and parties because peace and rest would truly kill her. Her spirit and love will stay with all of us forever.

Donna, May your journey be wild, and your spirit be free!

Who are you?

Over the weekend I went to see the movie “Flight” with Denzel Washington. The movie transported me into my past. Living with an alcoholic is something that I rarely think about these days as I have moved past that part of my life. But watching Denzel’s character, Whip Whitaker, pouring out massive bottles of alcohol with the determination to quit drinking only to give in to temptation time and again brought tears to my eyes. There was a scene where his son came to the defense of his mother by facing his drunken father. The heartbreak of a similar past memory took my breath away as I watched.

While our lives were spinning out of control, I thought it would never end. Now, 15 years later, those memories are tucked away only to be relived by watching a movie. However, in the moment they returned to my conscious mind, the emotions were just as raw and sad. Our minds are remarkable vaults loaded with experiences, encapsulated by emotion. How much we allow these memories to cloud our present is up to us.

We can dwell on the pain, or reflect on the lessons. We can wallow in the feelings of depression, or congratulate ourselves for the strength and courage we possess now. Life lessons make us who we are.

Who are you?

Moving Past the Storm…

If only we could harness  the power of the winds in a storm! Wind is used to create electricity, but boy can it be devastating when it is too powerful to harness! Our emotions can be the same way. Anger brought on by uncontrollable circumstances can also be used productively or destructively.  Often after the shock of a storm and the initial devastation, emotions can turn to anger. Anger at feeling that your loss was unfair. Anger at why this had to happen. Anger at why it couldn’t have been stopped. Anger at a lifetime of possessions and memories being washed away.

Remember that possessions can come and go for many reasons. The memories attached to them will never be washed away in our minds. You can close your eyes and see your house and the good times that were had there.  It hurts to lose special possessions that can’t be replaced, like photographs and mementos.  That hurt can turn to anger. How will you release your irritation and exasperation? You can dwell in the loss and become bitter, depressed and cynical.    Or you can be productive and reach out to help others.  By turning your energy into positive actions, you will heal faster, grow a more long lasting sense of community, and become a force of change.

Our emotions were given to us as  a release of feelings. Feelings at a time like this can be all over the place. Any loss takes you down the path of grief. At times, anger is  a prelude to experiencing the pain and despair of loss. It is natural, but needs to be controlled to keep you safe and moving forward toward a new way of living. Things won’t be the same, but try to see the possibility that happiness will return. Reach out and hug someone. Look around for the positive aftermath of strangers helping strangers.  Ask for the help you need. Turn the power of your emotions into a positive force to help yourself and others. As the song says, “We get knocked down, but we get up again!”

The Aftermath…..Shock

Seeing photos of the devastation left in the path of Hurricane Sandy is shocking. Living in the aftermath is even more shocking. Thousands without power, homes, food, clothing. In the past, disasters have hit America and I’ve sent money for relief but felt powerless to do anything substantial to help. This disaster is in my own back yard. The Jersey shore is home to many of us, even if it is only where we spend a lot of time during the summer.  It is good to realize that grieving is normal following a traumatic event. Survivors must cope with not only losing their normal lives, but their sense of safety and security. This process, which inherently painful, is easier if you turn to others for support, take care of yourself and talk about how you feel.

This past week some have been stuck in shock, while others have sprung into action. When immediate needs for survival must be met, people can mask the depth of their shock by springing into action to help themselves and others by banding together. Churches, community organizations and the government have all started relief efforts. Individuals from all areas of the country have driven here to see what they can do to help.

What can you do? What do you need? Physical, emotional and psychological  healing will take time. Being grounded spiritually helps. Recognizing that you aren’t alone and that the power in numbers can transform not only the landscape but our souls. If your heart is telling you to get more involved, do it! Don’t hold back! Call your local church and find out what they are doing. Join in with any civil organization. Donate. Go shovel sand. Do whatever you can to become whole with your spirit. Blessings will abound when you follow what your heart is telling you to do.

In my next post, I will discuss more about handling shock, grief and how to start moving past the storm!